Texts of the Host Club
by Mendeia
Summary: With all the trouble the Host Club gets up to when they're working together (or working against one another, as the case may be), why should they get into any less trouble texting one another? Just a oneshot of the various text conversations between members of the Host Club, all seven of them, and the hilarity that seems to follow them wherever they go.


Hi all!

This isn't a fandom I've hit before, but it's an anime I have watched approximately EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES. Seriously. I LOVE this anime. I've shown it to EVERYBODY. So it seemed time to at least give a story a shot. That said, of course I couldn't do anything straightforward. What exactly about Host Club is straightforward, anyway?

Instead, we have this. Basically, as inspired by one of my friends – if you could look at the texts on the phones of the members of the Host Club, what would you find? I daresay it would be at least this zany.

Enjoy!

* * *

From Kyoya to All: We need more commoners' coffee in the club room. Haruhi, bring some after class.

From Haruhi to All: Wet blanket monocle.

From Honey to All: Are we playing a game, Haru-chan? :-)

From Haruhi to All: Spigot propeller cherry tea?

From Tamaki to All: Haruhi! Have you gone mad? Is your mind finally incoherent with rapture at my beauty?

From Haruhi to All: OPEN MAILBOX MASTER HOPPING FROG PIDDLE!

From Kyoya to All: I believe Hikaru and Kaoru have tampered with Haruhi's phone.

From Haruhi to All: Spurt.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: AHAHAHAHAHA

-==OOO==-

From Tamaki to All: I declare this Friday to be Charming Peasant Scene Day at the Host Club! Prepare to arrive early today in order to try on your appropriate costumes. Hikaru, Kaoru, you will be the sheep.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Haruhi, will you be our shepherdess? We will prance together and play with you on the green grass and you can pet and cuddle us to keep us happy!

From Tamaki to All: No! No! I forbid it! I will be the sheep and Haruhi will tend me with her graceful use of the elegant staff I have purchased for her along with the gown reminiscent of Bo Peep herself.

From Haruhi to All: Absolutely not.

From Kyoya to All: Tamaki. Please cease texting while imagining unlikely futures.

From Tamaki to All: But I already ordered my sheep costume!

From Honey to All: Maybe we should ALL be sheep! It would be really CUTE! :-D

From Kyoya to All: I will personally shear any one of you who tries to put me in a sheep costume.

From Mori to All: I will assist you.

-==OOO==-

From Kyoya to Renge: Why exactly did you order one thousand silk violets on the club account?

From Renge to Kyoya: You'll find out if you join me in the Music Room after school today!

From Kyoya to Renge: I apologize. I have just received word of an urgent engagement I must attend this afternoon that will last until I am 50 years of age.

From Renge to Kyoya: You always say that!

From Kyoya to Renge: And it remains true.

-==OOO==-

From Hikaru to Kaoru: Remember that one time and that shirt?

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Of course I do. Good idea.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: Let's go introduce the Tono to a new game.

-==OOO==-

From Kyoya to Ranka-san: Good evening. I wanted to confirm that Haruhi will be late today due to club activities. I will send someone to escort her home safely.

From Ranka-san to Kyoya: Thank you, Kyoya-kun! You are such a responsible, attentive young man!

From Dad to Haruhi: HARUHI! How are you, darling?

From Haruhi to Dad: I'm doing fine today. I'll be late because of Host Club, though. Sorry. I'll make dinner as soon as I get home.

From Dad to Haruhi: Yay!

From Dad to Haruhi: I think you should fall in love with Kyoya-kun.

From Haruhi to Dad: WHAT?

From Dad to Haruhi: Then I wouldn't have to worry about you!

From Dad to Haruhi: Haruhi? Are you mad at me?

From Dad to Haruhi: HARUHI?

From Kyoya to Ranka-san: Haruhi is fine, but I believe she needs a few minutes to collect her thoughts. I will ensure she does not return home in an unfit state of mind.

From Haruhi to Kyoya: Stop encouraging him, please! You can't honestly tell me there's something in it for you to make my father want to match me up with you!

From Kyoya to Haruhi: That's an interesting idea in its own way.

-==OOO==-

From Kyoya to All: My sources have reported seeing the members of the Zuka Club from Lobelia on campus.

From Tamaki to All: AAAAAAAAHHH! They're trying to steal my Haruhi again!

From Mori to All: I will defend her.

From Honey to All: Me too! Me too! Stealing Haru-chan is a no-no! :-(

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: We just left her in study hall. We didn't see anyone around.

From Tamaki to All: Haruhi! My Haruhi! Let us know that you are safe and have not been kidnapped by those Lobelia girls!

From Tamaki to All: Haruhi!

From Tamaki to All: Haruhi! Where are you?

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Haruhi is missing! We went back to study hall and she's not there!

From Tamaki to All: HARUHI! ARE YOU ALRIGHT MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER?

From Kyoya to All: Mori-senpai. Honey-senpai. Check in with an update of your status, please.

From Tamaki to All: Something must be wrong. Honey-senpai ALWAYS replies to texts!

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: MORI-SENPAI WE ARE COUNTING ON YOU!

From Mori to All: Apologies. Mitsukuni and Haruhi are safe.

From Kyoya to Mori: Where are they?"

From Mori to All: Baking a cake to celebrate the birthday of Benibara-sama of the Zuka Club.

From Tamaki to All: HONEY-SENPAI YOU TRAITOR!

From Honey to All: I'm sorry. But the cake recipe looked so sweet! And I was with Haru-chan. They could never kidnap her with me here! :-D

From Haruhi to All: This is Benio-sama. Please stop your incessant texting. The maiden and I are having a private chat.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: NOT FOR LONG, ZUKA!

From Haruhi to All: Sorry that Benibara-sama took my phone. Even so, someone owes me a new cake. And Hikaru and Kaoru will not be available for hosting today because they have to clean up the mess they made.

From Honey to All: WHY DID YOU MURDER MY CAKE? :-O

From Tamaki to All: Sacrifices are necessary to protect our dearest Haruhi.

From Honey to All: My poor cake…. :'-(

-==OOO==-

From Tamaki to Kyoya: SUNSET HANDBALL CUTESY TIRE

From Kyoya to Tamaki: Ah, I see the twins have hacked your phone this time. Perhaps you ought not to have goaded them into that game yesterday. They did warn you there would be a penalty.

From Tamaki to Kyoya: WATER BAT MAN SQUIRREL

From Kyoya to Tamaki: I'll see what I can do.

From Kyoya to Hikaru/Kaoru: Please fix Tamaki's phone. It is unpleasant to get messages from him that are so much more nonsensical than usual.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to Kyoya: At least we're not bored. Why should we fix it?

From Kyoya to Hikaru/Kaoru: Let me put it this way. Fix his phone. Otherwise I will involve myself in your next game and you will not enjoy the outcome.

From Tamaki to Kyoya: Thank you my dear friend! I can always count on you, Kyoya!

From Kyoya to Hikaru/Kaoru: That's better.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to Kyoya: Next time we won't back down so easily.

From Kyoya to Hikaru/Kaoru: I look forward to it.

-==OOO==-

From Mitsukuni to Takashi: Takashi! Let's go to the carnival tonight! :-)

From Takashi to Mitsukuni: I'm sorry, Mitsukuni. I need to study for tomorrow's exam.

From Mitsukuni to Takashi: WAAAAAAAAAAH! :'-(

From Taskashi to Mitsukuni: Usa-chan doesn't like carnivals anyway.

From Mitsukuni to Takashi: Oh, that's true. Okay. I'll stay and study with you, then. ;-)

From Takashi to Mitsukuni: After the exam, we can go to the carnival while Usa-chan takes a nap.

From Mitsukuni to Takashi: YAAAAAAAY! :-D

-==OOO==-

From Haruhi to Tamaki: I know you are the person who took them out of my bag.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi! I did nothing of the sort! I would never invade your privacy and remove any item of yours from your possession.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Give them back or I will never speak to you again.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Have you no faith in me, my dearest daughter?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: I just wanted to protect you!

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Are you really not speaking to me?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: All right! I'll give them back!

From Haruhi to Tamaki: All of them?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Yes, all of them! If it will make you happy, I will return the adorable photos of you that I would like to keep and make my family's greatest treasures!

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Definitely no.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: However, there is no treasure as precious to me as you yourself, my dearest Haruhi.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: You are so weird.

-==OOO==-

From Hikaru to Haruhi: I can't sleep.

From Haruhi to Hikaru: It's 3am. Just lie there with your eyes closed. And stop bothering people who actually can sleep.

From Hikaru to Haruhi: That's what Kaoru said.

From Haruhi to Hikaru: He's right. Don't you usually curl up with him anyway?

From Hikaru to Haruhi: He stole all the blankets.

From Kaoru to Hikaru and Haruhi: Hikaru, you're keeping us both awake. Stop it.

From Hikaru to Kaoru and Haruhi: But I can't sleep.

From Kaoru to Hikaru and Haruhi: Think about Haruhi. That's what I do. It's very soothing.

From Haruhi to Hikaru and Kaoru: Or count sheep. That's what normal people do.

From Haruhi to Hikaru and Kaoru: Hikaru? Did you fall asleep?

From Kaoru to Haruhi: Yes, he's sleeping again. I think he's dreaming of you. He looks so happy and peaceful.

From Haruhi to Kaoru: I did not need to know that.

From Kaoru to Haruhi: Now I'll think of you and go back to sleep, too. Maybe I can join Hikaru in his dreams and we'll share our loving fantasies of you. Good night, Haruhi!

From Haruhi to Hikaru and Kaoru: Now I can't sleep. I blame you both.

-==OOO==-

From Mori to Kyoya: You need to increase the security along Haruhi's walk home.

From Kyoya to Mori: What happened?

From Mori to Kyoya: Mitsukuni and I were informed by Kasanoda-kun that the Yakuza were planning a hit against one of their enemies in a shop Haruhi passes every day.

From Kyoya to Mori: Was she hurt?

From Mori to Kyoya: No. Mitsukuni and I arrived ahead of her and disabled any potential threats before cleaning up the evidence of the fight. Haruhi is unaware of the danger or our protection.

From Kyoya to Mori: Thank you, Mori-senpai. I will speak to the head of the Black Onion Squad. There will not be a repeat of this lapse.

From Mori to Kyoya: Is it necessary to keep Haruhi unaware of our coordinated efforts to keep her safe?

From Kyoya to Mori: Yes. If not for her peace of mind, certainly to prevent any ill-conceived raging by Tamaki or the twins. You can only imagine the actions they would take if they knew.

From Mori to Kyoya: I see your point. Mitsukuni and I will protect her until you can assure us your own forces are better prepared.

From Kyoya to Mori: Understood.

From Honey to Kyoya and Mori: Scaring Tama-chan and Hika-chan and Kao-chan is a big no-no, but hurting Haru-chan is the BIGGEST NO-NO! :-(

From Kyoya to Honey and Mori: Well said, Honey-senpai.

-==OOO==-

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi! I have a question for you.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: What is it?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: If you had come to the Host Club as a girl instead of a slovenly gender-neutral dog, which of the hosts would you have chosen for your own?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Would it have been me?

From Haruhi to Tamaki: No matter how I answer, there is no good response I can give.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Also, it isn't polite to call someone a slovenly dog.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Haruhi! I need to know your answer! Would you have chosen me?

From Haruhi to Tamaki: If you had called me a slovenly dog, then no.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: As it is, you called me a piglet, didn't you?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: No! No!

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Well, perhaps I did, but I only meant it in the cutest, lovingest way possible!

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Honestly, do you ever think about what you say before you say it?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Of course I do! It is necessary for a gentleman to always be respectful and courteous to a lady, to shower her with compliments, to make his words a song by which he might earn her love.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: I think your song might have a few discordant notes in it.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: But I need to know if you would have chosen me to host you!

From Haruhi to Tamaki: I wouldn't have chosen anyone to host me. I was fine by myself.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Senpai?

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Don't sulk.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: I'm not sulking.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: It's all right, you know. If I had come as a girl, I wouldn't have wanted a host. And then I would not have become friends with everyone. So I'm glad I came as a boy.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Senpai?

From Tamaki to Haruhi: It's nothing, Haruhi. I was just moved by your declaration.

From Haruhi to Tamaki: If it keeps you from sulking in the corner, I'll tell you I'm glad to pretend to be a boy every day.

From Tamaki to Haruhi: Somehow you managed to be both kind and cruel at the same time, did you know that?

From Haruhi to Tamaki: Seems fair, piglet-senpai.

-==OOO==-

From Renge to Kyoya: My platform motor needs to be repaired.

From Kyoya to Renge: Its failure to sustain the mass of the overly-large heart decoration you felt was necessary to include in your last dramatic entrance is not the fault of the Host Club and I will not authorize payment from our account to cover the expenses.

From Renge to Kyoya: I did it to make a point about the weight of my devotion to you!

From Kyoya to Renge: I am well aware of that fact. But I will not pay for the repair regardless.

From Renge to Kyoya: You're so mean! If you keep being mean, I may leave your precious little club!

From Kyoya to Renge: Thank you for the advice.

-==OOO==-

From Hikaru to Kaoru: We could pull it off.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: I know we could.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: It wouldn't even be hard. We have the perfect plan.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Of course we do.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: And they wouldn't see it coming until it was too late.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Obviously. Even Kyoya himself can't see through us.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: Then why aren't we doing it?

From Kaoru to Hikaru: You already know why.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: I guess so. It seems like such a waste, though.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: It is, in a way. But, on the other hand, while causing trouble is one thing, this might be a bit much even for us.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: And Haruhi might never forgive us.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: There is that, too.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: You knew we wouldn't go through with it.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: So did you. You just didn't want to admit it.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: It was more fun when we didn't care about people. When we didn't care about hurting our toys.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: No it wasn't.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: We didn't have Haruhi then.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Or the Tono or Kyoya or Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: I guess I can stand not playing our best games if we can keep them.

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Exactly.

From Hikaru to Kaoru: So, what do we do with the walrus?

From Kaoru to Hikaru: Doesn't the Tono's house have a fountain out front?

From Tamaki to Hikaru/Kaoru: WHY IS THERE A LIVE WALRUS IN MY FOUNTAIN YOU DEGENERATE TWINS?

-==OOO==-

From Kyoya to All: We have an emergency that we must resolve before the end of the school day today. A new music club has been formed and they have been given provisional use of Music Room #3 for their activities.

From Honey to All: What will we do? Will we be homeless? :'-(

From Kyoya to All: We must either identify an alternate location to use on a regular basis or petition the school to move the Bella Cantemus group elsewhere.

From Haruhi to All: Why don't we just ask the school? That seems simple enough, especially since it's Tamaki-senpai's father.

From Tamaki to All: I think...we should try to find another location if we can.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: What about the abandoned racquetball courts under the gymnasium?

From Tamaki to All: Absolutely not. We cannot portray ourselves as refined gentlemen wooing ladies with grace and charm while our guests must dodge sweaty men between sports practices!

From Kyoya to All: Additionally, that location is only accessible through the men's locker-room. Which you well know as you are the ones who used it to cause havoc in the locker-room until you were discovered.

From Haruhi to All: That's disgusting.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: It was hilarious. And it was just an idea.

From Honey to All: What about the dojo? I could ask Chika-chan to move his practice! :-)

From Mori to All: Mitsukuni. Don't. He'll just end up resenting you again. And everyone will object to having to remove their shoes on the dojo floor.

From Honey to All: Oh, that's true. Sorry! :-(

From Tamaki to All: Thank you for the suggestion, though, Honey-senpai! Together, we will find a true, forever home for our beloved Host Club!

From Kyoya to All: Not to quash your optimism, but the fact remains that the reason we used Music Room #3 in the first place was a dearth of other options.

From Haruhi to All: And the fact that I couldn't find a single quiet place to study is why I tried it when I stumbled in there, too.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: If it's quiet you need, Haruhi, our bedroom is very quiet. You are welcome there any time you wish to escape the Tono's noise.

From Tamaki to All: HIKARU! KAORU! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU BRING MY HARUHI INTO YOUR EVIL BEDROOM!

From Haruhi to All: Never mind that.

From Kyoya to All: Focus, please. We need a solution and we need it quickly or we may have to employ drastic measures.

From Honey to All: What are 'drastic measures,' Kyo-chan? :-)

From Kyoya to All: With respect, Honey-senpai, you do not want to know.

From Haruhi to All: I definitely do not want to know.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: We do!

From Mori to All: What about the attic? It would need to be cleaned, but it is at least free of other constraints.

From Tamaki to All: Excellent idea, Mori-senpai! Kyoya and I will investigate it during the lunch hour and will report back our findings!

From Tamaki to All: The attic is NOT an acceptable substitute.

From Kyoya to All: Forgive his rudeness. Tamaki discovered rather a lot of spiderwebs. Many of the spiders have attempted to make their home in his hair.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Where's the Tono? Did you get pictures?

From Kyoya to All: He is on his way to the locker-room to shower and change. And no, of course I did not.

From Tamaki to All: EVIL TWINS I WANT THOSE PICTURES DELETED AT ONCE! DO NOT SEND THEM TO ANYONE!

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: AHAHAHAHAHA

From Honey to All: But, Tama-chan, your hair is so CUTE when it is full of spiders! :-D

From Mori to All: You are not helping, Mitsukuni.

From Honey to All: You're no fun, Takashi. :-(

From Kyoya to All: I believe, unless anyone has better ideas, we are down to drastic measures. It is regrettable, but I am not afraid to lean upon the appropriate persons to ensure an appropriate space is abandoned for our use.

From Haruhi to All: That won't be necessary, Kyoya-senpai. I spoke to the head of the Bella Cantemus group.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Hasn't she been requesting you as a host a lot lately?

From Haruhi to All: Well, yes.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: HARUHI IS BLUSHING!

From Tamaki to All: I WANT TO SEE! I WANT TO SEE!

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Don't worry. We took pictures.

From Kyoya to All: Haruhi, please elaborate. Have you brokered an agreement?

From Haruhi to All: Yes, I did. Bella Cantemus feels that Music Room #3 may be too large for their group to use anyway. They will amend their petition to use one of the smaller practice rooms down the hall.

From Kyoya to All: Excellently done, Haruhi. I will reduce your debt for this service to the club.

From Honey to All: Way to go, Haru-chan! :-D

From Mori to All: Well done.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: No one can resist Haruhi's cute pleading face! And it looks from here like Bella Cantemus may all be requesting Haruhi as a host soon!

From Tamaki to All: You really are our best natural rookie, Haruhi! You have saved our club!

From Kyoya to All: But I would like to point out the fact that if we did not locate an appropriate place to meet, our club might have dissolved. And then you would be free to leave. You didn't have to save us.

From Tamaki to All: That's true, Kyoya! So why did you, Haruhi?

From Haruhi to All: If you don't know the answer to that by now, there's no point in me telling you.

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Yeah, how stupid are the rest of you? WE already know.

From Honey to All: I do, too! I do, too! :-)

From Mori to All: Me too.

From Kyoya to All: I'm glad to hear you've realized it finally, Haruhi.

From Tamaki to All: Wait! What has Haruhi realized? Why don't I know what it is?

From Tamaki to All: Haruhi, are you keeping secrets from your DADDY?

From Haruhi to All: Not intentionally. I'll see everyone this afternoon for Host Club, right?

From Hikaru/Kaoru to All: Right! We'll be there!

From Honey to All: Me too! :-)

From Mori to All: Me too.

From Kyoya to All: As will I.

From Tamaki to All: WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME? I AM THE KING! I DEMAND TO BE TOLD HARUHI'S SECRET!

From Haruhi to All: Don't worry. You'll figure it out eventually, senpai.


End file.
